As Told By Amelia

There's are so many blogs out there about single girls but couples have stories too!

As told by Molly; Girls’ Night Interupted Part II

“I didn’t know you two had been talking,” Amelia’s tone was neutral but her raised eyebrow hinted at judgment. But I could just have been projecting my guilt.

“I never cheated on Charlie… Physically.” We both started laughing. After Amelia had talked to Charlie he’d facetimed me to explain himself. Sage was a friend who he’d developed feelings for. But he assured me that he never cheated on me. I told him that I was hurt, but I understood. I told him about Danny, to ease his guilt. We forgave each other and when we hung up I knew that while we would never be friends, I would never have anything but good things to say about sweet Charlie.

“An emotional affair,” Amelia tisked.

“Do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?” I cautioned.

“Yes!” She said and mimed zipping her lips.

“So after we got upstairs..

“Where’s Cami?” I said her name in a nasal voice, emphasizing each syllable as I looked around the apartment, as if she was going to pop out from behind the overburdened coat rack.

“I took her home.” Something in Danny’s tone was off. I looked over at him and I could tell he wasn’t up for our usual verbal sparring. His eyes were sad as he leaned against the inside of the doorway that separated the foyer from the living room. I leaned against the other side so I was facing him, my feet together in between his widely stances ones.

“Talk to me, Olly” he whispered, “why are you here.”

“I just wanted to see you,” I shrugged. A smile played at the corners of his lips.

“Well as fucking good as that is to hear, it means nothing doesn’t it?” he was bitter, I looked around and saw a bottle of whiskey and one glass.

“It means something to me,” I whispered looking down at my knees. The intimacy of the moment scared me. The few times I’d been around Danny in person the sparks that flew between us muted the rest of the world. That night in the bar, I’d barely noticed the crowd around me, I was lost in Danny, riding the euphoria that was being close to him. But we’d never been alone, not like this. I was completely comfortable but also vaguely aware that I didn’t have as much control around him and even less now that there was no audience to demand a certain level of decorum. I had the promise I’d made to myself, not to cheat on Charlie and I hoped that would be enough. I wasn’t a cheater and even though this was a special situation I didn’t want to ever be that person.

“Oh yeah,” he challenged, straightening. I nodded and he continued, “Do you lay awake at night picturing the girl you want more than anything fucking someone else? Are you blowing off perfectly nice models who want absolutely nothing from  you but sex because the thought of being with another woman is just so unappealing?” As he talked, he looked me in the eyes and I felt my pulse quickening and my stomach dipping. “Do you hate how utterly pathetic you’re making yourself over a girl who is probably too young for you and who would rather be with an eighteen year old boy instead of you.”

I didn’t like when he attacked Charlie. None of this was his fault. Danny did that often, call Charlie a boy and tell me that I needed a man, that I needed him. I was starting to realize that he was right. He looked at me expectantly, he was bearing his soul, hanging on a ledge and he wanted to know if I was going to leave him hanging there alone. I knew I shouldn’t say what I was about to say, but I knew that Charlie and I were all but technically over, and I knew that Danny needed to hear it.

“I think about you too, Danny” my voice was steady and gentle, “I lay awake at night replaying our conversations in my head hoping that the next one will be soon.” Danny’s shoulders relaxed a little and I could tell my words were helping ease whatever stress he was feeling, “Times when I should be thinking about him, I think about you and I hate myself for it because I’m not this person. But there’s something about us… it’s…” I knew the word I wanted to say but I wasn’t ready to show my whole hand yet.

“Special? Different? Amazing?” Danny laughed.

“Yeah,” I smiled.

“I was beginning to think you were just playing games with me, Red.” He closed the distance between us and brought his forehead down to mine, our noses touching. His arms encircled my waist and pulled me close to him. He smelled amazing and was invitingly warm. I brought my arms up and wrapped them around his neck, gently stroking his hair. We stayed like this for a few moments, not knowing how far we were willing to take it, just enjoying where it was.

I could feel the kiss building, instinct was telling me to kiss him and I would have bet anything that he felt it as well. So I pulled away, gently and moved my hands to his chest applying just enough pressure to let him know we’d reach the brink without pushing him away.

“I hope you can understand,” I whispered, his face was still merely inches from mine, “I want to but I can’t until I end it with him, that’s just who I am.”

He nodded, trying not to look downtrodden, “I admire your loyalty,” he kissed my forehead then pulled me in for a tight hug, his chin resting on my head, “I’ll appreciate it alot more when I’m the only you’re loyal to.”

………

“And then I left” I finished my story and looked over at Amelia who’s eyes were misty, “Goodness, really?”

“It’s just so romantic!” she gushed.

“Yeah well it would be if i’d heard from him since.” I scoffed.

“You haven’t talked to him?!”

I shook my head fighting back the tears but they would win, they’d been winning for a few weeks now. The moment I’d gotten back from ending things with Charlie I’d called Danny and gotten his voicemail. I left a message and waited. I’d heard nothing. I didn’t know what to think, but I was deeply hurt.

 

Advertisements

As told by Molly; Girls’ Night Interrupted

“I’m sorry Moll’s” Amelia gushed sincerely but still slightly aloof in that way she had. We had that in common, the perfect mixture of authenticity and detachment. “I had a lot going but I should have been there for you. I’m sorry I wasn’t.”

“It’s ok,” I said, meaning it. “I just need to talk to someone about this or I feel like I’ll implode.”

“You didn’t talk to Rylee and Bryn?” Amelia tried to sound casual but I could hear that she was fishing for information on our newly founded friendship.

“To quote that movie you made me watch, ‘As If!’ I barely know them. And while they’re lovely, this is not something I’d casually share.”

“Ok,” she laughed, “lay it on me.”

“Ok,” I began….

After Amelia stormed out we were confused. Bryn and I were too intoxicated to completely grasp what was happening. Rylee, sober and pregnant, immediately started texting. She was upset because she thought that her revelation had caused Amelia to storm out. Like Amelia, I was too wrapped in my own dilemmas to notice others’.

“Maybe we are inevitable,” I said to a furiously texting Rylee, “maybe I should talk to him.”

“Wasn’t he on a date?” Bryn squawked. I ignored her, pulled out my phone and began texting even more intently than Rylee.

Danny and I had been in contact since we met. He’d called me after he got off of work few times and we’d had long conversations that lasted past midnight. I told him about Charlie. He got jealous. I think he drank whiskey while we talked, I could sometimes hear the clink of a bottle against the glass and his voice grew huskier and smoother. In our talks it became clear to me that, beneath the playboy exterior, Danny was just a guy who’d been deeply hurt and he’d responded by not letting anyone in again. But I could feel him letting me in and I was addicted to the feeling. I also understood.

My last relationship serious had ended over three years ago but I was deeply scarred. That combined with my parent’s awful relationship had me seriously conflicted. I wanted the fairy tale ending, I just didn’t know if I believed it was really possible. I think it’s why i’d chosen Charlie, because I knew he was safe, that he would never hurt me. And it’s why i’d led all my friends to believe that the relationship was more casual than it was. I told them that I’d encouraged Charlie to see other girls but that wasn’t really true. We were as monogamous as it gets. All my flirting with other guys was just to protect myself to tell myself that I had options when Charlie hurt me like a little part of me thought he would. It didn’t mean anything, until I met Danny. Then it meant too much.

After constructing a few drafts on airplane mode, so as not to accidentally hit send before I was really done, I was satisfied with my text to Danny.

“Danny, I think we should stop pretending this isn’t happening and just talk about what this is, or could be.” As I hit send I thought about Charlie. Poor, innocent, young Charlie who didn’t deserve this. I cared about him, I did. But with Danny it was different. As Rylee said, inevitable. I vowed that I would fly to see him tomorrow to end things. He at least deserved that. I also vowed that I wouldn’t do anything with Danny, no matter how our talk went.

My phone made a noise indicating I had a text. “I would like that. Come over? Please.” My stomach flipped.

“I gotta go guys,” I dialed my driver as I hugged Rylee and Bryn goodbye. Bryn opened her mouth to protest but I anticipated her response, “You can stay with Rylee if that’s a problem you can call my driver, I’ll text you his number from the car” and I was off.

“Where to, Molly?” Freddy was looking at me expectantly from the front seat of the town car.

“Sorry, Freddy!” I realized I had no idea where Danny lived. I usually just pictured him in a fictional room like a library with a fire roaring wearing a heftier-esque smoking jacket. It didn’t occur to me that he lived in a real normal apartment.  “Give me a second to figure it out.” I pulled out my phone and I already had a text from Danny with his address. I smiled to myself and read it to Freddy, let him know that Bryn might be calling him, stuck my phone back in my purse and and then sat back, my pulse quickening. I felt like I was on my way to something big.

Meeting Danny had been indescribable. I felt like I’d always known him yet I knew very little about him. I just felt like I would like it, no matter what he told me about himself, I would accept it. I also felt that I could tell him everything about me and he would accept it. I was more myself around him than anyone, but excited and a little nervous at the same time, like my body was humming.

I didn’t know what i wanted to say to him. I didn’t have a plan. But I knew it wouldn’t matter. Danny and I were on the same page, we understood each other. Sometimes he would start saying something, but couldn’t get the words just right but then I would step in and articulate what he was thinking. He’d taken to giving me nicknames, Red when I was being feisty, Princess when he wanted to get a rise out of me and my favorite, Olly, when he was letting is guard down.

The car started to slow down and I looked out and saw a surprisingly cute neighborhood. Then I saw him, he was sitting on the steps in soccer pants and a gray v-neck that looked deliciously soft. His back straightened slightly at the sight of the town car, I knew the windows were too tinted for him to see me and I relished in the opportunity to study him.

“Thanks, Freddy!” I quickly opened the door so Freddy wouldn’t get out. Danny gracefully rose from the steps and walked over to the car. Taking my hand, he helped me out of the car. As he closed the door he took in my black shift dress, thigh high boots and pin straight hair. I’d been going for a sixties go-go dancer vibe. For a second I felt a little silly being so overdressed, it’s not like i’d planned it, i’d come straight from girl’s night. But then when I saw the heat in his eyes as he said his husky, “Hello,” followed by a sly smile I felt nothing except that I was right where I was supposed to be.

“Want to go upstairs?” He asked, putting his hands in his pockets and gesturing with his head.

I nodded. He reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers.

“Is this ok?” I caught that vulnerability in his eyes that i’d only ever heard over the phone.

I nodded and let him lead me to his apartment.

Charlie & Molly & Going the Distance… or not.

“Amelia,” Molly sounded annoyed. “I know you’ve got a ton of your own stuff going on and I get that. I do. But I haven’t seen you since that night you rushed out. We’re starting to get worried and I have… I need to talk to you ok” her voice cracked at the end and I felt that you’ve been a bad friend pang in my gut. I clicked on my next voicemail.

“Hey, Amelia.” Rylee sounded more contrite than anything, “I hope you don’t think less of me because of what I told you guys about at girl’s night. I’m not proud of it but i’m also not apologizing for it either. I’m not happy that this is how we got here but I’m glad we’re where we are. I hope you can accept that.” I knew I had been hard on Rylee and it  had more to do with where I was with Grant than anything and that was unfair. “Call me.”

“Dude,” Bryn all but shouted, “You need to start returning these bitches texts cause they’re super concerned. Every time we hang out they spend like twenty minutes discussing you. Any way, Grant kinda told me more than what you said in your cryptic text. I get it and I’m glad you guys are better. So talk to us! k bye.” I was both delighted and inexplicably annoyed that they had been hanging out without me. I was definitely the Carrie of the group, it seemed weird to me that scenes were happening without me in them.

I had one last voicemail I had to check, from Charlie.

“Hey Amelia, how are you?” he laughed nervously, “So I ummm,” he paused, “well I’m calling cause,” he stopped again and I heard him exhale, “Molly…” his voice was damp and throaty. “Will you call me? I just don’t know what to do.”

I listened to Molly’s voicemail again, clearly something happened between them. I felt a little caught in the middle. Charlie was more Grant’s friend than mine but I’d known him longer than I’d known Molly. Where did my loyalties lie? Had she cheated?

I decided to call Charlie first that way I at least had plausible deniability on my side.

“Amelia!” He picked up right away sounding boyish and earnest.

“Hi Charlie, how are you?” I began fiddling with the tassels on the cushion in my lap, unsure how this conversation would go.

“I’ve been better.” he laughed to cover the truth in the sentence.

“What happened, Charlie? I haven’t talked to Molly in a while… I’ve been caught up in my own stuff…” I trailed off.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to bother you,” he said quickly sounding sincerely apologetic.

“No! You’re not,” I assured him, “I just mean… I have no idea what’s going on.”

“Well… a few days ago, Molly showed up unannounced. She came to my apartment and… it was bad, Amelia. I had a girl there. I wish I could say nothing was going on between us, and I never cheated on Molly… physically. And I kept telling myself that she, Sage, was just a really good friend and at first we really were just study partners. Then studying turned into getting lunch and then just hanging out. I was lying to myself about what Sage was to me because I didn’t want to stop seeing her all the time. So Sage left and I could tell Molly was upset. I began apologizing but all she said was ‘I can’t believe I was beating myself up over what this would do to you. Clearly you’ll be just fine. We’re done.’” he paused and rather than saying anything I waited for him to continue, “I started to beg her to stay but I realized she was right, I really cared about her but not enough to surmount the distance or keep me from liking another girl. And I feel as if I had cheated. I just need to know that she’s ok. I feel so guilty and ashamed of what I did.”

Charlie exhaled signaling it was my turn to talk. “Well,” I began, “I haven’t talked to Molly in… too long,” I felt that guilty pang again. Molly had been beating herself up over Danny only to fly across the country and find her boyfriend with another girl. A girl who was probably  cute, cause Sage is a cute girl name, “Have you tried to reach out to her and tell her you’re sorry?”

“No,” he admitted, “everyone I’ve talked to said I should just give her time. Except-” he stopped, “nevermind.”

“No, except who?” I pressed.

“Sage,” the guilt dripped through the phone, “I know you probably automatically hate her  but she’s been so great about the whole thing. She feels just as guilty as I do and she says that we should take a month off of seeing each other to let everything settle, to be respectful to Molly. And she thinks I should write Molly a letter, explaining that I never meant to hurt her.”

I smiled, “I think you and Molly need to have an honest conversation. It will help, with everything. I know I sound cryptic but just trust me.”

“Ok…” Charlie sounded confused but also slightly less guilty.

“And Charlie?”

“Yeah?”

“Sage sounds really special, I can’t wait to meet her.” I said sincerely.

“Thanks, Amelia,” I could hear the smile in his voice, “for everything. Grant is a really lucky guy, I hope he knows that.”

As if on cue, Grant walked through the door with a bouquet of flowers. I pointed at the beer I had waiting for him on the coffee table and he kissed my cheek.

“I think he’s starting to,” I laughed, “Bye Charlie.”

Update!

Just finished another post. So I can guarantee posts for the next two thursdays! (April 16th & 23rd)

AW

Update

There will be another post next Thursday. It’s already written and scheduled so look for that next week. Thanks for checking back! I’m hoping to write more today. Let me know of any questions you have or characters you want to see. It would help get the story flowing again!

Love you all,

AW

2 weeks later

“ok, take your blindfold off!” Grant commanded, the excitement in his voice palpable.

From the fresh paint smell I had an idea of where we were. The day after I almost left, Grant took me out for breakfast. He finally told me a lot of what he was feeling that he hadn’t shared. Little did I know, he’d been deep in the interview process at a start up specializing in consulting with companies looking to go Green.

“Grant, babe!” I’d exclaimed excitedly, “That’s so awesome!” But when I looked into his eyes, his excitement didn’t match mine. “What?” I asked self consciously, not understanding what I’d said wrong.

“It’s just,” he paused and collected himself, clearly this was hard for him to share. I waited patiently, “this is why I didn’t tell you. I knew you’d be so happy for me. But I’m worried I won’t get the position.” He ran his hand through his hair nervously, “and then I’d just be disappointing you again.”

He looked up at me and I saw raw vulnerability in his eyes. I’d never seen him like this in a moment we weren’t fighting. He’d never opened up to me before we had a problem.

“Why are you smiling?” He laughed nervously.

“Because, I can fix this and it makes me happy that I can make you feel better.” I told him that it didn’t matter to me if he didn’t get the position. What mattered to me was that he shared it with me, good or bad. It seemed strange to me that he didn’t get that I didn’t want him to be perfect, I just wanted him to let me in, to tell me his thoughts and feelings.

A few days after that, Grant was called in for a final interview and got the position. We went out to celebrate, just us and the way he kissed me that night gave me butterflies. It was then that I began to believe that we would be ok and I was so glad that he hadn’t let me give up.

“Surprise!” I opened my eyes to a bright but empty apartment.

“We got the apartment!?” I squealed. Grant nodded excitedly. After he’d gotten the job and a sizable signing bonus, the first thing he wanted was out of his parents house. He said that he felt we needed to put some space between our relationship and his family, to really spend some time working on us. And, as much as I loved his family, I couldn’t help but agree. They were nice, but there were so many of them and it was stressful for me to be around them when I wasn’t feeling one hundred percent. I didn’t think Grant had noticed just how stressful it was for me but apparently he had. I was overjoyed to be starting our life together, just the two of us.

I spun around excitedly, taking it all in. When I faced Grant again, he was giving me the look.

For the first time, in a long time. I believed we were going to be more than just ok. We were going to be happy again.

Giving Up

I walked through the door and was immediately face to face with Suzy. Sweet Suzy, Grant’s mom, who had done so much for me, had been a sort of surrogate mother for me.

“Hey sweetie!” She bellowed happily, “you’re home early!” I nodded solemnly even though it wasn’t a question. She continued talking, telling me about her day, who’d she’d talked to, the latest neighborhood gossip. It suddenly occurred to me that when I l left I’d be leaving behind more than just Grant. I’d be leaving behind everyone that I knew through him, his parents, Charlie, possibly even Bryn. I didn’t want to leave them all, it almost didn’t seem worth it anymore. To give up everything we had because he was being a jerk lately. But then I thought about spending another night crying myself to sleep and I knew that I’d be better off alone. “You look exhausted! Why don’t you head up to bed and I’ll be sure to keep it down.”

“Thank you, Suzy” I said with more meaning than was necessary and gave her a hug. I didn’t know what was going to happen with me and Grant. I didn’t want to include her in our drama but I wanted her to know that I cared. I went upstairs and contemplated pulling out my suitcase. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, to us. I poured everything I had into this relationship. I would have done anything to make him happy, but lately I didn’t even have a vague idea of what that was and he wasn’t telling me. Meanwhile, I was left alone, emotionally. I wanted us to be there for each other but really I was there for him while he ignored me, sinking me deeper and deeper into depression. I remembered how happy I used to be, how happy we used to be. I knew it wasn’t his fault, I could tell he was trying, but that didn’t change the state of things.

At what point do you simply have to give up?

I heard the front door slam open and Grants footsteps pounding up the stairs. Our bedroom door flew open and I turned to face him. He didn’t look upset, just determined. Without saying a word, he crossed the floor and took me into his arms. At first, I resisted, I loved him but I hated the way he made me feel, especially lately. I hated the person I was becoming and it was easier to blame him than it was to take responsibility. After about thirty seconds, it became clear he wasn’t going to let me go. I tentatively put my arms around him and his whole body relaxed.

“Amelia,” he breathed into my hair, “I’m going to stop making promises to change. I’m not going to sit her and promise it will get better, because” he paused and took a deep breath, “I don’t know if it will.”

I felt my stomach drop, this was it, he was here to accept that I was I leaving. To send me off kindly. Part of me was devastated, but part of me, if I’m being honest, a larger part of me, was relieved. He was letting me go, something I could have never done for myself. I loved him too much to walk away, but if I knew it was what he wanted too, I could do it, I could be free. My instinct was to start back peddling, to do everything I could to keep from blowing up this relationship that somehow had become the center of my life. But I willed myself to stay silent, to let him do the talking, to let him set me free.

“But, I want to try.” His words startled me, “I don’t know how to be what you need,” he admitted, “but please give me one more chance to try. In the past, I took you for granted, I see that now. I didn’t want to see it before because that would mean admitting I was wrong.”

“Hey,” I cut him off, “I haven’t been perfect.”

“Yes,” he agreed, “but you’ve at least been trying. It’s not fair to you what I’ve been doing, taking so much, giving nothing in return and then not wanting to deal with you now that you’ve become so sad. But I did that.”

I didn’t know what to say, it was true, he did make me sad, but I loved him so I let him. At the time, I thought it was just temporary, but lately I’d begun to question whether this was sustainable. The more I gave, the sadder I became, the sadder I became the more he pushed me away and I responded by trying to give more until I was a shell of myself.

“I don’t know, Grant” the tears began to flow. I asked him the question I’d asked myself earlier, “at what point do you just have to give up?”

“Never.” He answered evenly, “And thank you for not giving up when I had. It’s understandable if you don’t believe me right now, but it’s mine turn to give you everything, ok?” he kissed my forehead, “Will you please let me?”

Maybe that’s it. All relationships are hard, even the best ones. Maybe the difference between the love that lasts and the love that doesn’t is never giving up. I knew I could walk away right now, and be ok. I would find someone else, Grant would find someone else and we may never speak again, but we’d both be ok. It wouldn’t kill us. I was ready to give up, to start over with someone new. But I still loved him, and I didn’t know how to stand here and tell someone i’d given everything to that I was going to break their heart. I didn’t want to.

“Yes.” I said simply.

There was no giant celebration, no intense conversation, no promises. He simply kissed me and we held each other as we fell asleep. But from that day on, everything was different.

As Told By Grant – The Aftermath

“FUCK!” I screamed at my phone. I was drunk, I was angry and I was stupid, so very stupid.

“What’s up, man?” Joey, a classmate from high school clapped my shoulder, fucking Joey this was all his fault. 

“I gotta go,” I shrugged his hand off me.

“Was that the girl-friend?” he whined on the word girlfriend, trying to mock me. What he didn’t know is that the question stabbed my chest like a knife because I didn’t know if I would have a girlfriend anymore.

I walked out of the club in a daze, our whole relationship flashing before my eyes, especially the parts that got me here. To this place where I was about to lose the one person who mattered to me more than anything.

“Grant!” I became aware that she was yelling my name, “Grant!”

“Yeeesss,” I smiled, turning on the charm.

“Have you heard anything I’ve said?” she was visibly angry, she was so cute when she was angry.

“What did you say, babe?” I sidled up next to her expecting her body to meld it’s sexy curves into me. The way she was sitting on the couch, I knew that when she did I would get a nice view of her boobs. But she didn’t melt into me as she normally did. Her body stayed rigid, her knees between us and her boobs woefully out of view.

“Never mind.” She sighed.

“Come ooon,” I poked her, that usually got her to giggle.

“Don’t.” she snapped and got up from the couch.

“Why are you being like this?” I called to her back.

She froze but didn’t turn around right away, when she did here eyes were red, and her cheeks were wet. “I’m done competing with all of these screens.” she made a sweeping gesture and left. True, I had the game on, a laptop open on the coffee table and my phone in my hand. But it was the 49ers, my team and I had to text my brother during the game. I guess I could have closed my laptop but if she really wanted that she could have just asked.

Looking back on that exchange I hated myself and wished I could do something to take it back. I should have listened to what she said and I should have listened to what she was really saying. I did ignore her sometimes, but I also spent time trying to make her happy. Didn’t that count for something?

“What would you do if you came back and I was just gone?” she was lying in my arms, we were both naked basking in the afterglow of mutual orgasm. I was leaving in the morning, to go on a camping trip with my brother, Ethan who was getting married. This is what he wanted in lue of a bachelor party.

“Someone has been hitting the Gillian Flynn to hard.” I joked, sleepily.

“That’s not an answer.” she pushed.

“I don’t know…” I sighed perturbed, I hated playing the hypothetical question game. Especially when she was just fishing for compliments. The thought of her being gone filled me with anger and sadness and the fact that she was asking was annoying. She should just know this, she did know this.

“Ok,” she rolled over, out of bed and into the shower. The next morning she sat on the edge of the bed watching me get ready, her eyes sad. She was always sad lately and it was making me tired.

When I got back Sunday night I half expected her to be gone. All weekend I’d been able to push our conversation to the back of my mind. It wasn’t until I was standing at the front door of my parents house that I confronted the possibility. But there she was sitting on the couch curled up with a book. When she saw me she got up and gave me a hug. I wanted her to tell me she missed me. I needed to hear it.

“How was it?” She’d asked.

“Good.” I’d answered.

“Good,” she’d nodded and when back to her book.

I was in a cab now, her words playing over and over in my head, what would you do if you came back and I was just… gone. What would I do? I deserved it, if not before defintely after tonight. I knew Amelia was against strip clubs and truth be told I never had any interest in going. But tonight, when Joey had texted me I’d gone, and I’d gone just to prove to myself that I could. But all I’d proved to was that I was a selfish asshole, that I was too wrapped up in myself to see that the person I loved most was hurting and that while it wasn’t all my fault, I hadn’t done a whole lot to make it better.

Dear Readers

As you may know, the inspiration for Grant and Amelia came from my own relationship with my boyfriend of 6 years. I would have to double check every post to make sure I didn’t accidentally put my name instead of Amelia or his name instead of Grant.

About two months ago, we decided to separate. As wonderful as we found each other, we were not meant to be together forever. Writing about Grant and Amelia became hard for me and I could see them heading in the same direction as my fiancé and me. Which isn’t what I want for them. You can imagine how deeply sad this has made me. And I’m sorry for the delay. But I need time to divorce Grant and Amelia from what we shared so their story can stop being our story. I have no idea when I will be able to write about them again, If ever. But I want to. I just need time.

Thank you for reading and hopefully you can understand.

AW

Girls Night In

“I love Charlie, ok” Molly slurred as confidently as I’d every witness anyone slur. I suppressed a giggle and exchanged looks with an equally giggly Bryn and a tired looking Rylee who shook her head in amusement.

Bryn and I were tipsy, but Molly was full blown hammered. And we’d been listening to her rant about Danny for twenty minutes.

“This whole hate-lust thing is just so annoyingly cliche,” Molly ranted as she filled all of our glasses up, “I detest being cliche.”

“Then just fuck him already.” Bryn giggled.

“Right, eloquently put as always Bryn,” Molly pretended to consider this, “cause that will fix everything!”

“Wouldn’t it?” Bryn asked genuinely.

“No,” Rylee and I chimed in in unison. Molly pointed at us as if to say see.

“Why not?” Bryn rolled her eyes.

“Because…” Molly began “because… Well you see…”

“Because it’s more than just sex. It’s magnetism.” Rylee completed for her.

“Yes!” Molly jumped excitedly, coming dangerously close to spilling her wine.

Rylee continued, “it’s not that you just want to be with him sexually, you have to. It’s a need, like hunger or thirst.” We all turned to Rylee, as she gave her impassioned speech. “You barely know him but he makes you feel comfortable and also extremely giddy and excited at the same time. Everything about him feels inevitable. Like that moment right before you kiss someone, except all the time. He makes you a more intense version of yourself but you love every second of it. When you’re around him, you stop thinking and you just are and when you’re no longer around him you can’t wait until the next time. And even though you shouldn’t be with him,” at this point she blushed, “you can’t help it. You have to and you should feel bad for being so reckless but you don’t.”

I looked at Rylee dumbfounded. Who knew she and Ethan had such a passionate relationship?

Bryn, always a little slow on the uptake and low on tact asked, “You’re talking about your baby daddy, right?”

“Yes,” Rylee laughed.

“Ok good,” she was quiet for a moment, “so what’s all this about you shouldn’t be with him?”

“When Ethan and I first started dating…” She began to blush, “well it wasn’t under the most… legit, circumstances.”

“What do you mean?” I said more harshly than I meant to.

“Well…” she looked visibly uncomfortable but not unwilling to share, “when we met he had a girlfriend. And we tried to deny there was something between us, we really did” I could feel my eyes going wide as saucers, I’d never pegged Rylee and Ethan for the cheating type, “but we just couldn’t.” she shrugged and I felt a pang in my stomach for the girl Ethan left who’s undoubted heartache is now no more than a shrug in Rylee’s love story.

“Did he cheat on her?” Bryn eyes were narrowed and the judgement in the room was palpable. I knew we should be more supportive, Rylee was opening up to us and sharing something that she obviously wasn’t very proud of but I couldn’t help but hate her a little for it.

“Yes,” she nodded solemnly, “he really cared about her, and she was really nice, I met her a few times, when we were still trying to lie to ourselves and just be friends. But we were more than that you know, I think she knew, not that it makes it any better that she saw it coming…” I could tell she was starting to tear up, she may not have been drunk but she was pregnant and hormonal and telling us something difficult.

“It’s ok, darling,” Molly moved to sit next to Rylee on the couch placing one arm around her, “these two don’t understand but I do.”

“So you’re going to cheat on Charlie? And it will be ok because it’s ‘inevitable'” my voice was shaking a little. I didn’t know why I was so angry at my friends but I was. Usually, I was able to see the nuances and grey areas in situations but when it came to cheating it was very black and white to me – don’t do something the other person wouldn’t be ok with you doing. I’m certain Ethan’s ex would not have been ok with him having sex with Rylee.

“I don’t know,” Molly admitted, “I shouldn’t and I don’t want to but there’s something about Danny.”

“I didn’t know he had cheated on her with me,” Rylee confessed.

“How do you not know?” Bryn rolled her eyes.

“We met and we fell for each other, he told me that he was going to break up with her because he wanted to be with me.” she paused and added sadly, “and I believed him. We went out and finally had sex after six months of buildup. It was amazing. We were lying there and he told me he needed to tell me something, that he hadn’t broken up with his girlfriend, that he wasn’t sure if me and him were just a passing attraction or the real thing. But now that he’d gotten ‘the fucking out of his system’ he knew that his feelings for me were real and based on something more. I was enraged, not only was he a cheater but he made me one too. And more than that he’d tainted our relationship, no matter what i’d always know that we started out as something bad, cheap and dirty. But I knew that he was it for me.”

“I think I have to break up with Charlie.” Molly started sobbing. Rylee put a hand on her back to comfort her.

It was all too much for me. I needed to call Grant, to hear his voice. I wondered if he knew about Ethan and Rylee. It worried me that someone with his same genes raised with his same values could do what Ethan did to Rylee and his ex. I’d thought I could always be sure that Grant wasn’t that guy. But something in my gut was making me uncomfortable.

I held my breath as the phone rang. I knew we weren’t on the best of terms lately but I was willing to be the one to cave, to be the one to ask for a truce. The phone rang what I knew would be the last ring but at the last second, he picked up.

“Hello?” he shouted into the phone.

“Hi!” I said brightly glad to talk to him, “it’s me, where are you? It sounds loud.”

“I’m um… well” he sounded drunk and uncomfortable, my stomach started doing flips, “I’m at The Penthouse Club with a few friends from High School.” Instantly, hot tears were in my eyes and my stomach dropped.

“Oh,” I managed to choke out.

“Amelia,” he said quickly, “I’m leaving now and I want to talk to you.”

“I, um” I liked to think of myself as a cool and trusting girlfriend. But he knew I never liked the idea of guys with girlfriends going to strip clubs. I found the idea of strip clubs alone a little gross and the idea of my boyfriend being one of the guys ogling a topless stranger was revolting. Suddenly my head cleared, my emotions evaporated and one thing became clear, “I’m going home.”

“Ok,” he sounded relieved, “I’ll meet you there, once we hang up i’ll get a cab -”

“No, Grant,” my voice was devoid of emotion, “I’m going home” I let it sink in, “to New York.”

“Amelia.” he said sternly, I experiences a wave of anger that passed as quickly as it came.

“Goodbye, Grant.” I hung up without waiting for a response and walked into the other room where things had calmed down a bit. “Rylee,” I was happy to see my sense of calm remained, I went over to her and put a hand on her knee, “you and Ethan are perfect. I hate that he did that to you, but the fact that you were able to forgive him and make it work between you is proof of what an amazing person you are.” I gave her a hug thinking this could be the last time I see her, I was fairly certain she wouldn’t still want me to be maid of honor when I was no longer Ethan’s little brother’s girlfriend. “Molly,” I said a little more sternly, “you need to figure out what you want without having sex with someone who isn’t your boyfriend. Choose Charlie, choose Danny, but choose. Either way you’re getting a great guy, they’re different but they’re both great. Come on Bryn,” I grabbed by bag, “let’s go.” And with that we left Rylee’s, got in an uber and I went home to begin packing my things.